As you may have noticed over the past couple months, I’ve been wrestling with prayer. I’ve asked and asked… Waited and cried out… Spread my arms out to heaven and laid flat on my face… Thanked and rejoiced… Laughed and sang… Doubted and wondered… Looked around and closed my eyes shut… Blabbed and listened. Prayer, I’m learning is exhausting and exhilerating. It’s an activity that should produce sweat.
but now I feel like I need a shower. My body is tired and I need to get cleaned up. I never considered how messy prayer is. I used to think of it more as a calming… A meditative moment of chatting about life with God. It can be that… And it can be so much more! Prayer can be aggravating, emotionally explosive, invigorating, and dangerous. After all, why would I ever think that having a conversation with God would always be serene and sublime? He conquered choas with his voice! He is holy! He is disturbingly magnificently brilliantly powerful! And here am I, daring to talk have a conversation.
The truth is this: I’m beginning to trust prayer- not because I get what I ask- (Infact, I often seem to get the opposite!) but because in talking with God I get to work out my soul and my strength and my mind.
That’s a great reflection Andrew. It reminds me of CS.Lewis’ depiction of Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia. He was ferocious lion who could crush anything he wanted. And so he was to be feared. And yet, he was as gentle as a lamb… willing to be sacrificed out of love for us. And so he was to loved and adored. Yes, God is both fearful and wonderful. Thanks for sharing this!
Hey man, on a somewhat unrelated note, your ramblings have reminded me of a distinction I have come to over a word which is commonly ascribed a poor meaning. This word can describe something both in a majestic sense and in a loathsome sense. It occurred to me earlier on today just what was meant by this word, but I just wanted to share it with you as it seems relevant to prayer, especially God. This word is AWFUL. It means to hold something in fear and wonder, it fills one with Awe. I would describe God best with this word, not only because of that meaning, but because of the other one which means that which repulses one from something or someone. In this way I think what God does and is is awful because of some of that which he asks us to do. The horrific tortures undergone by some and the ordinary afflictions for others. Is God not both fearful and wonderful? Does God not demand sacrifice? AWFUL, I think, is the best descriptor for this time in my life. Just a thought.