i remember one birthday way back in the late 80’s… back when I was cool. My family had a dog named Bonz who ironically had to be put under because his bones degenerated. Then we had a dog named Sophie who not so ironically had to be put under because she loosey-pooped all over the carpets. Anyway, on one of my birthdays between the eulogies of Bonz and Sophie, my mom gave me a 1 lb. bag of soft delicious gummy bears. One pound! It was glorious. I started after school and just gobbled one cute growler after another. Red bear… then a lime green bear… then a yellow bear… I was in heaven. I savored every squishy squeak of gelatin between my teeth and every taste of sweet sugar of artificial flavoring in my mouth.
But just before dinner, with only a few dozen bears left to devour, I suddenly didn’t like gummies anymore. Without warning, my body started to revolt against the cuddly cubs. A dark presence welled up inside of me as my love turned to hate and my joy turned to misery. I took one last look at the surviving gummies and considered them the enemy. "Get away from me you smiling beasts!" I silently cried. "Why must you sit there and mock me!"
Just then, my stomach seized with a sharp pain… as my bowels tried to burrow a hole through my abdomen. I’d never felt such pain! These cute little bears were monsters! Dozens upon dozens of tiny grizzlies marching through my digestive regions and pounding at my inner walls. I winced and coupled over… fetal style… onto the floor. And I bemoaned… ruing the day I was born. My birthday turning into a terribly uncomfortable burpevening.
I wish I had some great spiritual lesson to share. Sadly, the betrayal of the gummy haunts me to this day.
But perhaps you could help free me from my misery? Perhaps, as a birthday gift to me, you would like to find some redeeming analogy from the Betrayal of the Gummy to uplift me on this day of compacted despair? Oh, how I would appreciate it so.