There comes a point where I recognize defeat. My constant pursuit of flailing-failings teaches me, if I am wise that is, to give up the race of independence from God and give in to the utter reliance I have upon his mercy and grace. The crescendo of crisis in my sapped soul propels me to a complete surrender to Christ.
Even if I have acknowledged what Jesus has done for me, even if I have accepted the benevolent invitation of his outstretched arms, I must take the steps, daily, to willingly embrace his surrendered body on the cross. Would it be right to receive Jesus as Savior only to refuse him in the daily routines of my life? Would it be appropriate to receive the outpoured breath of his life only to continue in the practices that led me to drown?
Don’t worry. I’m not talking to you. I’m really am talking to myself. And yet I don’t think I’m crazy.
I got hit tonight with the miserable joy of defeat. It is wonderfully fearful moment to be captured by Christ. I cannot rely upon me. I can only rely upon him. The fall of my life is a chance to fall into his arms.
As I busied myself tonight– as I read and wrote and studied and thought and parented and ate and dressed and puzzled and watched and listened and argued and reasoned and ached and laughed and exhausted through all of my capacities– I came to recognize an inkling of truth that I admittedly haven’t stopped to admit for a season or two: I am defeated in my own efforts… but I am made alive in my surrender to the effort of Jesus.
I just needed to get these thoughts down… So that I can remember them in that hour when I errantly again deceive myself into thinking that I am the ruler of my life.
“If we would abide in Christ we must remember that Christ has undertaken not only the emergencies of life, but everything; and so we must cultivate the habit of constant dependence on Him; falling back on Him and finding Him everywhere; recognizing that he has undertaken the business of our life, and there is not a difficulty that comes up, but He will carry us through if we let Him have His way, and just trust Him.”
– A.B. Simpson, The Christ Life